so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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