my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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