Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
