i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
