Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
