If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
