you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
