K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
