where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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