he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
