OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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