how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
