you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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