Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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