Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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