The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
