As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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