Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
