I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
