My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
