Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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