I want to walk on stilts...naked
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
