I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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