so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
