hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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