We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
