Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We left an ass print on the piano.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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