I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
