just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
