she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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