You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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