fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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