who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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