Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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