I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
