mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
