I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
