I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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