I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
