I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
