my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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