it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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