I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
please come you make the beer taste better
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
