it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
