I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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