Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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