I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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