I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
