and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
