Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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