I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
