did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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