Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
