I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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