I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
