So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
