Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
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I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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