I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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