Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
