The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
