Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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