An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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