We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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